


Two Captains and a Doctor

by shirozora



Category: Doctor Who, Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-20
Updated: 2010-01-20
Packaged: 2017-10-06 12:29:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/53648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shirozora/pseuds/shirozora
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor should've disabled Jack's vortex manipulator sooner.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Two Captains and a Doctor

**Author's Note:**

> [Someone had something to say about my mentioning that I ship Kirk/Harkness, which led to me writing this really random crossover oneshot.](http://trek-kink.dreamwidth.org/781.html?thread=86797#t86797) I am also embarrassed to say that this was written before I _really_ got into Doctor Who.

Once in a while the Doctor would have no choice but bring Captain Jack Harkness along for the ride. The Doctor wasn't helpless – by all means no, he could handle anything by himself if he chose to – but for some reason or another he always found himself dragging along a companion or two into one misadventure after another. This time something told him to visit Torchwood.

He shouldn't have listened to that something.

Bringing Jack along this time was not one of the Time Lord's more brilliant ideas, especially when he discovered that the TARDIS had gone wildly off-course while honing in on a signal halfway across the universe.

"Brilliant," he muttered as he tried to get a reading on the TARDIS's new location. "Come on, come on, tell me where we are…"

"While you're at it, I'm gonna take a look outside," Jack said as he strode to the door.

"_Not_ a good idea, Jack, we don't know what's out there."

"When did that ever stop me?"

Good point.

The Doctor groaned as the man shoved the door open and stuck his head outside. The perks of being immortal-

"Oh hey! It's this place again!"

The Doctor looked up. "What do you mean, 'it's this place again'? You've been here before, wherever 'here' is?"

Jack was gone.

"Oh for crying out loud," the Doctor groaned as he hurriedly twisted a few knobs. Then he ran and grabbed his coat, shoved his arms in and snatched up his sonic screwdriver as he ran to the door. He pushed it open, poked his head outside, and his jaw dropped.

"Oh."

They seemed to have landed on the outskirts of a very tiny bazaar. There weren't many people and aliens out on the single street running through the marketplace, but some distance beyond it loomed what looked like a construction site-

"Ah, a starbase," he surmised. He couldn't help but ogle at the enormous ship sitting in the middle of it. It gleamed in the light of the red star like a brand new ship; there was very little war and tear on the hull. Probably just making a pit stop, he decided, since there was nothing much here to look at.

And then he remembered that Jack had run off somewhere.

"Damn it," he said as he stepped out of the TARDIS, letting the door close shut behind him. "I knew I shouldn't have brought you along."

Hands in his coat pocket, he leaned forward, peering down the street. The Doctor spotted a worn sign hanging from a post outside a particularly decrepit building, a drinking container crudely carved into it.

He sighed.

Should he be surprised to find Jack in a corner of the cantina, kissing another man? The Doctor glanced at the oblivious blue-skinned bartender, rolled his eyes, and strode over. Whoever the other man was, he noticed the Doctor before the Doctor noticed him. He tapped Jack on the shoulder, who broke off the kiss and glanced over at the Doctor.

"Oh. Uh. Yeah. Haven't seen him in a while-"

"Oh, so you know him?"

"Don't look at me like that. This is Kirk. James T. Kirk."

"Jim," the dark blond man said, leaning forward with an outstretched hand. The Doctor raised an eyebrow at Jack as he took it and found his arm shaken quite vigorously. "And you are?"

"I'm the Doctor."

Jim raised an eyebrow. "…you have a name, Doctor?"

"Just call me the Doctor," the Time Lord said. He looked at Jack. "So you _have_ been here before."

"Once. While I was tweaking with my vortex manipulator, which you oh so conveniently disabled. Met this fellow while he was out on a training mission with…what was it called?"

"Starfleet. Starfleet Academy."

Oh. So _this_ was where the TARDIS landed them.

"You two…boyfriends or something?" Jim asked, gesturing at the space between the Doctor and Jack.

"I wish," Jack said. He then leaned over and muttered, "Won't commit."

"Hey!"

"I see-hey there, Sweet Cheeks!" Jim suddenly called out. The Doctor followed his line of sight to a feminine rose pink alien that had just walked in. Her three large black eyes turned to Jim, then her lip curled into a snarl, and she walked up to bar and ordered something from the bored bartender. "…yeah, haven't seen her in years, either."

"Oh I remember her. Why, what happened after I left?"

Jim turned faintly red, and then opened his mouth to say something when someone else walked into the cantina, someone who would've passed for a human if it weren't for the faintly greenish undertone, extremely slanted eyebrows, and characteristic pointed ears.

_Vulcan_ the Doctor recognized as the alien stood at the doorway and scanned the bare room until his eyes landed on their corner. _But not quite…_

"Captain," the Vulcan said, looking somewhat relieved as he walked over to them. "I have been looking for you. We are being hailed back to the ship. Scotty believes he has found the source of the engine malfunction and has repaired it accordingly."

"And the transporter? Did Chekov find out what went wrong?"

"I believe he has. He believes someone installed a virus in the mainframe that corrupted the equation. He has managed to locate the possible coordinates of Sulu's location but is still trying to find exactly what kind of damage the virus has done to the mainframe."

"Excellent work. Tell them I'll be there in just a minute. I have some unfinished business to take care of."

"Unfinished…?" The Vulcan glanced at the Doctor and Jack.

"Spock, I'll be there in a few minutes. Tell Scotty to get the ship ready, and Chekov to fix the transporter. I don't want any more of our crew randomly disappearing when we're being beamed places." Jim patted the Vulcan on the shoulder-more like slapped it several times. The Doctor noticed only the faintest trace of a wince on the Vulcan's face.

"Captain, I suggest you turn your communicator on next time so that it would be easier to find you," the Vulcan – Spock – said.

"Right, right, sorry about that," Jim said, waving him off. "Like I said I'll be there in a bit."

The Doctor suppressed a smile as the Vulcan walked by him, noticing the rolling eyes and the near-silent sigh of exasperation.

Then Jack slapped the man on the back. "Captain? You're _Captain_ now?"

"Been a few years," Jim replied with a half-embarrassed shrug. Then he tried to reach the center of his back. "Ow, that hurt-"

"A few-how did that happen? You've got to tell me. You said it took at least eight years to commandeer your own ship-oh that's right, you said you'd be captain in three-"

"Wait a minute, wait a minute," the Doctor cut in. He wasn't going to just stand here and listen to Jack catch up with one of his past "encounters". "Look, it's nice to catch up and all for old time's sake, but first of all, where are we?"

"Oh we just call it Starbase 42," Jim said. "Tiny rocky planet, livable but lifeless. The Federation decided to build a starbase here, like a pit stop."

"Right. And what's all this about a transporter and this 'Sulu'-"

"Sulu's our helmsman. Was supposed to be part of the landing party but he never landed. Then one of the _Enterprise_'s engines gave out and we had to beam back up and take her to the nearest starbase before she crashed."

"Do you think it's sabotage?" Jack asked, looking at the Doctor.

The Time Lord shrugged. "Could be anything. Look, now that we know where we are, I think we should go back and reset the coordinates-"

"Wait!" Jim grabbed Jack by the forearm and dragged him out of the cantina. "Let me show you the _Enterprise_ first, then we'll beam you back down to whatever it is you rode to get here. I want you to meet my crew, too."

"Including that 'Spock'? He's quite the charmer. You sleeping with him?"

"What? No. Uhura would _kill_ me, and I hope that was sarcasm-"

"Who…?"

"Communications officer. Spock's her boyfriend."

"You ever try-"

"Have I ever. Always rejected me, each and every time."

"Wow. Someone rejects James T. Kirk. _Captain_ James T. Kirk. And continuously. How do you feel?"

"Fantastic. I've nailed all but two people on that ship. And a half."

"How do you not nail two and a half people?" the Doctor asked. He could care less about this conversation, but that didn't make sense.

"I got halfway there with Spock before she found out. Couldn't take a piss for a month."

Jack winced as if the pain was his own. "_Ouch_."

"See, that's why I don't mess with her or Spock anymore. She'd fry my balls with a phaser if she could-"

Something on Jim's left forearm beeped, and he swore under his breath as he pressed something on it.

"Jim, where the _hell_ are you?" a voice bellowed out the wrist-sized communicator. "Get your ass back here _now_! We're all waiting for your orders and Spock said you were at the _cantina_? You and Spock were only supposed to be in town to pick up a few supplies, not go knock back a few drinks! If you're not in your chair in five minutes I'm coming over and dragging you back here myself!"

Both the Doctor and Jack stared at the captain with raised eyebrows as the communicator went silent, and Jim groaned. "Shit. We'd better make it quick. If we start now we'd get there in just under five-"

"Who was that?"

"Bones."

"Nail him?"

"Can't. Not only is he the chief medical officer – and you don't know _how_ awkward that would be during physicals – but he's also my best friend from the Academy days, the only one who stood by me, and it's...really complicated."

Jack nodded solemnly; there was an odd glint in his eyes. "I understand. Now, where's your ship?"

"The _Enterprise_? There she is." Jim pointed down the long dusty road to the ship at the starbase. "Isn't she beautiful? Christened her with some pretty heavy fighting. Fun times."

The Doctor sighed as the two captains talked about the ship. Unlike Jack he hadn't forgotten the signal that had him launching the TARDIS at it in the first place. "Alright. Look, it was nice meeting you and all, Jim, but clearly you've got some business to attend to, and we need to get back to the TARDIS and reset the coordinates-hey!"

The two men bolted down the road. The Doctor stared after them, his jaw dropping.

"Oh for the love of - _both of you, stop_!"

He ran after them, knowing he was going to regret every moment of it.


End file.
